


Too Much

by JoAryn



Category: Star Trek: Voyager
Genre: F/M, UST, Unrequited
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-10-19
Updated: 2015-10-19
Packaged: 2018-04-27 01:26:55
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 814
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5028361
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/JoAryn/pseuds/JoAryn
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Chakotay finally understands.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Too Much

**Author's Note:**

> This is an idea that popped into my head a couple days ago and which I finally wrote out today. It's an episode add-on for "Coda". Hope you enjoy it.
> 
> Many thanks to Spiletta42 and Cheile for beta-ing this on very short notice.
> 
> I don't own Janeway or Chakotay or Star Trek: Voyager; they are the property of CBS (and Paramount).

When she died, it was the first time I really understood. We'd grown closer on New Earth and even after our return to the ship, we enjoyed an intense friendship. At first, I'd thought there was a chance that we'd move beyond friendship, and if we'd stayed on New Earth we probably would have. Actually, I know we would have. That idyllic planet lacked the complications of life on _Voyager_.

 

“ _Is that really an ancient legend?_ ”

 

Kathryn was more perspicacious than I, calling an abrupt halt to our after dinner chat one night. She laid her hand over mine, one of her more platonic touches, and looked at me sadly.

 

“Chakotay, I want you to know that as much as I enjoy our time together and as much as I understand your frustration with the parameters, while I'm captain of _Voyager_ , I can never move beyond friendship for you.”

 

I hate to say it, but I argued. I pointed out how long our voyage could be, how unhealthy it was to remain alone for so long, how everyone needed an emotional outlet . . . I threw virtually every scientific study, every healthful benefit ever attributed to loving relationships at her to no avail. I was relentless, certain that she would come to see my perspective.

 

I didn't realize that she'd already seen my perspective, and quietly closed it off as an impossibility.

 

To her credit, she allowed us to continue our dinners, even allowed me to continue to air my arguments. But each night, she'd simply smile sadly and shake her head.

 

“The risk is too great. Good night, Chakotay.”

 

We'd had dinner the night before, much the same as ever, though I'd been forced to rehash old arguments in my futile quest to change her mind. I'd teased her that I had stocked up on new material for the shuttle trip but she'd just given me one of those crooked smiles, calling my bluff.

 

“If you had, you would have used them tonight. See you in the morning, Chakotay.”

 

I was too obsessed, too preoccupied in keeping her alive while we were on the planet for the thought to really settle, but as we limped back to the shuttles, I heard the first whisper.

 

“ _Isn't this what she's been trying to tell you?_ ”

 

I was too relieved that she'd survived, that the Doctor and Tuvok had arrived in time to help her fight off the alien parasite to pay it much mind, but it whispered again as I reluctantly left her in sickbay to check on the bridge.

 

“ _It was debilitating, wasn't it?_ ”

 

The bridge crew was eager to be reassured that the Captain was all right.

 

“ _What if you'd been stuck on the bridge this whole time?_ ”

 

I told them she was doing well and would be back on duty the next day. Privately, I knew the Doctor would want her to take the day off, but that Kathryn would never stand for it.

 

“ _How much time would you need off if she'd died?_ ”

 

I stumbled but recovered as I took her seat. She'd reclaim it tomorrow and I was only there to log the receipt of the various reports from the past shift. Kathryn would read them tomorrow and I would have to add my own report of our experiences on the planet.

 

“ _Could you sit here permanently, take her command?_ ”

 

I shut down the console abruptly and handed off the bridge. It was close to the end of beta shift anyhow, and while I hadn't been injured, the whole incident had been a trial and I was tired.

 

“ _Could you take alpha shift tomorrow? And the day after that? For the next 70 years?_ ”

 

I stopped by sickbay before returning to my quarters. The Doctor was confident that the alien presence had been eliminated and that she was in no danger, but wanted to monitor her overnight to be sure. The biobeds are narrow and not really designed for natural sleep, but they come with ready access to artificial life support systems.

 

“ _How much longer could you have kept breathing for her? How many more times could your arms have continued to compress her chest?_ ”

 

My quarters seemed eerily still. The bulkheads were insulated for privacy, but even so I could usually hear the occasional thump from her quarters, or the faintest strands of music.

 

“ _They could be permanently unoccupied, not just for the night. Would the silence drive you mad?_ ”

 

I took out my medicine bundle, carefully opening it on the floor of my quarters.

 

“ _Who else has seen the contents of your medicine bundle?_ ”

 

“Ah-koo-chee-moy-a. I am far from the sacred places of my grandfathers; I am far from the bones of my people. But perhaps there is one powerful being who will embrace me and help me find the answers I seek.”

 

“ _How could I lead_ Voyager _without her?”_


End file.
